The Legend of Zelda: Link's Revenge
by Tyrants-of-the-Underworld
Summary: This story involves Link meeting a talking book. Between the two of them they plot the assassination of Zelda. This a short meant to be humourous short story. I don't know if you'll find it funny. It is rated T just because the main idea is to kill someon


The Legend of Zelda:

Link's Revenge

On a peaceful morning in Hyrule, a shrill voice sounded through the air, resounding through the gently rolling plains.

"Hey you!"

A stupefied Link turned around, expecting a Deku Scrub. However, there was no Deku Scrub to be found.

"Yeah, you!" The voice sounded again.

Link was sure that this time something was trying to get his attention. He turned around to meet nothing but an old discarded book. _I can't be hearing things, _Link thought.

"I said you with the hair! The guy with the big green hat!"

Link turned around to catch the book in mid sentence. It's pages were wide and mouthing the words that Link was hearing.

"You can talk." Link stated, hardly surprised. Especially after an entire dungeon inside of a fish, things rarely surprised Link.

"Well, of course! Now, have things been getting you down lately?"

"Not real—"

"'Course they are! Has that prat, Zelda got on your nerves, having to save her like, every year."

"I don't really mind—"

"'Course she has!" The book interrupted again.

"Look here, book."

"Okay, Link, well now, it's your one big chance for revenge, and this here is how it's going to be done!"

"What exactly—"

"Okay, Link," The book began, "let's look at your situation. You've saved the multiple worlds about, I don't know, twelve times or something, right?"

"Um—"

"Right! So now to get your revenge, your well deserved revenge over the one who has been working you like a dog, you must…"

"Must what?"

"…um… nothing terribly difficult, just, assassinate Princess Zelda."

Link suddenly got the feeling he was about to be sick. He considered this in his mind several times while the book remained quiet, apparently giving Link time to think it over. Of course, Link was all for it. He would love to just go in there and…

"Well?" The book asked impatiently.

"I'm glad I met you. Apparently you know how to do this, right?"

The book bent in what looked like an evil grin. "Yes, yes!"

"How do we do this?"

"Okay, hmm… there are six dungeons, each containing a big mean beastie that wants to rip your head off along with a series of traps. We get the six elements from these six beasties so we can penetrate the great evil barrier. And by we I mean you."

"So generic."

"Yeah… well? What were you expecting. That's pretty much what you expect when you buy a Zelda game."

"Why don't we just walk in there and kill Princess Zelda?" Link questioned.

"No, no, no, silly boy."

Link looked puzzled at this. The book obviously took notice and said, "Well, they'd be expecting us."

"I'm pretty sure Zelda doesn't think her hero's going to march in and kill her."

"That's what they want you to think."

Link let out a groan and picked up the book. "I can't believe I'm doing this again. _You're_ coming with me."

And so began the latest installment of Zelda.

Link emerged from a dune of sand, eyes crusted with the grains of sand that found their way into his eyes. He had just passed through an extensive desert and had no idea why.

"Where is the dungeon? Since when has the first dungeon been so hard to get to, anyway?" Link asked.

"You wanted originality; you got it, a mouth full of sand and the first dungeon up there," called the book from inside Link's haversack. Link chanced a gaze into the sky where he saw a large floating structure for a split second then immediately had to look down when more sand was forced into his eyes.

"How do we get there?"

"Well," began the book, "we're going to make a ladder of fish bones." A fishing pull fell from the sky into Link's arms. "Start fishing."

And so it began, the hardest first dungeon preliminary in gaming history, sand fishing. Fishing in a desert.

Link cast out his line, bait-less into the unfathomable sandy landscape. For three long days he waited, counting his nose hairs, just wishing he had something to do. (There was quite an entertaining book in his haversack he failed to notice.) On the third day, he hooked something. Out of surprise, Link jumped up and started wheeling it in. "One fish down, a million to go," grunted link as a bit of white emerged from the sand. The little piece of white fish got bigger, and bigger until a skinny fish emerged, just tall enough to reach the floating castle, hundreds of feet above.

"What did I tell ya, boy?" The book chortled. That must have been the most fish Link ever ate in his life.

He began his ascent the next day, full of big juicy fish, he ate it all. Unfortunately, the fish rib ladder could not hold his weight, and halfway up, it snapped, sending Link back down now with a ladder too short to reach the castle.

"Oh, great, how do we get up there now?" Link asked.

"I guess we could just take the elevator," The book suggested.

Link walked five feet from where he was fishing to get to a glass elevator, reaching the castle. _Why didn't I notice this before?_

Link reached the top of the elevator and walked to a door saying: 'COMPLICATED PUZZLES AND TRAPS BEFORE THE BOSS'. Link entered under the book's command. The room was completely empty aside from one big window.

_ Probably teaming with wallmasters and chu chu's, _Link thought. He took a step inside and looked at the center of the room. In the middle of the floor lay one solitary mouse trap.

Link walked to the mouse trap and saw that the boss key way inside it.

"This is a dumb trap."

Link carefully put his hand inside the mouse trap and his fingers clasped around the key. The trap shut and Link let out a scream, dancing around the room in pain. He got a bit too close to the window and _crash_. Out he fell back down to the desert below.

"Idiot boy, you dropped the key while you fell!" Screamed the book. Link spent the remainder of the day trying to find the key. By night fall he found it, went through the elevator, across room and opened the boss door.

"Keehehehe!" Came the familiar stupid generic text-based laugh. "You shall never succeed!"

Parts of the floor disappeared leaving great chasms that would sent you to the earth. "I am a generic worm/snake-try-to-push-you-in-the-whole-boss. Keehehehe!"

From the center of the room emerged a worm/snake except it was just a worm and about two inches long. It started slinking toward Link. He made to step on t, doing a fancy jump, but forgot he had the roc's feather equipped and soared right over the worm and into the pit.

Down below, Link emerged from the pile of sand, went up the elevator, across the empty room and into the boss chamber.

"Keehehehe I am a generic worm/snake-try-to-push-you-in-the-whole-boss. Keehehehe!" The worm came back and Link dropped the talking book on it this time, sending guts everywhere.

"Very civil, boy." Said the book.

"Here is your element, said a misty voice and a bit of light breeze went across Link's face.

"Well, catch it!" Shouted the book. Link caught the breeze and out it in his haversack.

The second dungeon happened to be twenty feet away from the first one under an old tree. "Since when has the second dungeon been right next door to the first?"

"Since now!" The book snapped.

Link crawled through a hole of squirming worms and spiders and such. He crawled about ten feet forward and found a vast pit of liquid-hot magma. (Wow, right under a tree.) Link surveyed the room to no avail, there was no possible way to cross the chasm. _I'm going to regret this, but I have to do it. _Link unscrewed the top of his can of peanut butter and began eating. _This is going against my diet big time,_ though Link.

"Boy! Take me out I have to tell you what to do next!"

Link fumbled with the book a bit; his hands were covered in peanut butter.

"What?" Link said.

"To get across, you need to—"

Link never heard the rest. The book slipped from his peanut-butter-grasp and fell into the pit of lava; incinerated instantaneously.

"Well that's a bummer."

Link was nearing Hyrule. Through his blunder, he decided it was better without the book and he would go strait into the castle murder Zelda and leave happy. Yep. That's it.

Link approached the castle door and knocked. A window flipped opened and knocked his in the face, causing Link's nose the break off.

"Sorry 'bout that," Said the man in the window. "Happens to everyone."

Link replaced his nose and began conversation. "Uh… can you let me in?"

"I will, but I don't know how you are."

"Oh, I'm just Link, the guy who saved Hyrule about ninety billion times."

"I think you might be exaggeration. No liars!" The door slammed shut.

Link kicked the door, causing his foot to sear with pain. He grabbed the door handle for support which gave way, causing the castle door to open. _They don't even lock it._

Once inside link found that he was already in Zelda's room. This is never the case; usually you must go halfway along the castle.

"Hello, Zelda," said Link drawing his sword.

"What? I'm no Zelda!" said the janitor, turning around. Zelda's in the throne room."

"Where's that?" said Link, trying to hide his sword.

"Up those stairs."

"Did you happen to see my sword?" Link questioned.

"No, it's probably at your house."

"Liar! You saw me with it. You're going to go up and tell Zelda to lock the door!"

The janitor had a look of utter confusion. He had no clue what Link was badgering him about. Well… Link kind of got him and the Janitor died.

Exactly ten seconds later, not a millisecond, not a nanosecond, not even a picoseconds off, Link entered the throne room. "Zelda."

The princess turned around to face Link. "What?" Zelda said. "Can't you see I'm busy, loser?"

Link unsheathed his sword and was about to deliver the death blow.

"So," began Zelda, "you realize you have the bad end of the deal…"

"What deal? I'm here to slay you."

"Yes, because you do so much for me without return."

"Well, little gifts aren't going to save you. Any last words?"

"Yes," said Zelda with an odd smile to have just before death, "can I prepare to die. I just need to go into my room for a couple minutes." Link began to follow her toward the door. "Alone."

"But you'll run away or call guards."

"No I won't," objected Zelda.

"How do I know you aren't lying."

"Princesses don't lie. I won't call the guards and run away."

Link let her leave and she did exactly that. He's so gullible.

Guards now surrounded him and he was seconds from death.

"You aren't going to kill me are you?"

The guards let out shrill mocking laughs.

"Any last words?"

"Can I go home and prepare to die. Alone?"

After he finished that sentence, Link was silenced forever.

THE END


End file.
